The Start

Here we go, the first attempt of blogging my thoughts in a more controlled way. Seems weird to be starting the journal with an end of year entry but here I am, I’ve got to start somewhere and I hope that in time this will help me channel my thoughts, feelings and energies in the right way and who knows.. I might even get good at it?!

This year, 2025 has been one of many challenging years, but one that feels has lasted the longest, it truly has been a non-stop battle against everything and everyone. In fact, the last 3 years have been pretty much the same, full of loss, injustice, bad health, worry and the usual typical struggles that come with life.

One thing I have done this year that I am actually extremely proud of myself for, is going to see Mabelle, the therapist. I never thought id stick something out as long as I have with a therapist. I am not the most articulated person, I struggle to understand, show, feel and express emotions. I’m like a brick wall really, and its really hard to chip away at those walls to get anything from me. My typical pattern is to let it build and build until I explode.

A little like when my Grandad died, the absolute core of our family passed away. Everyone thought it came as a surprise, but for me, it wasn’t. The months leading up to the dreaded day, I visited him almost every day, spending hours with him, having lunch, and just being there with Rupert. 3 days before he was taken to hospital, he got down from the sofa, sat on the floor and was playing with Rupert, something I remember everyone thinking was brilliant, because he was having a good day, but I couldn’t help think it was his way of getting ready.

The day he went into hospital, just 30 minutes after I left, I just knew in my core it was the end. I pretended so much that it wasn’t, maybe I started to believe it. I remember when everything was up in the air during that horrific time, I looked around at everyone else and everyone was crying, sad and at complete despair, I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel that way. Was something wrong with me? Was I not sad?

The truth is, it came out differently. I went out with my friends and that was possibly the best but worst thing I could have done. I released all my emotions and the guilt that I felt and carried with me, Should I have said that I thought things weren’t good? even though there was no evidence, it was just a feeling. Could I have saved him? That one drink bulldozed my walls down and every emotion I could feel, I felt. I realise that it is not a healthy way to carry emotions, yet I couldn’t bring myself to speak to someone, because I am not built that way, so continued bottling for the next 2 years.

So back to Mabelle, there was one evening this year I decided to go to my Sisters for a cup of tea, which is quite unusual. I love my sister more than she will ever know and even more so after this one very random but life changing night. I again, out of no where released all my emotions that had been building up, not only over a few months or a few years, but my entire life. An outburst that confirmed things for me that for my whole life pushed to the back of my mind and I just thought I was weird and mental. It all made sense in that moment, everything. It was then I decided that speaking to someone could maybe help me and that I didn’t want to be this way anymore and so far, its the best thing I've ever done.

One of the things I am starting to learn from seeing a therapist is that not everything is in our control and that is ok, we cant beat ourselves up for things that we wasn’t responsible for. Things happen, the good, the bad, the sudden and the completely fucked up. We have to learn to accept that its not something we would have chose for ourselves, but its how we choose to deal with it and continue in the best way. Even though no one wants these shit years and bad experiences, they sometimes shape the people we are meant to be.

I have also started to learn about boundaries, because god knows I am the worst for it. It is ok to say ‘No’ its ok to say ‘Not today’ or simply ‘im just not feeling it’ instead of making up excuses to maybe a plan made with a frend or a call from a family member. The same with a friend that may be having a head time and needs a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen, it doesnt make me a bad person by putting in boundaries around the support and time you give them. Its helping them to learn how to do things alone and that they have the strength to get through things themselves.

So, lets hope we have a break in our shit streak and 2026 is a lot brighter. Even if it isn’t, I will continue to always put myself first. Tell myself It doesn’t make me selfish, it helps me survive and that’s the only way and best way I can be there for myself and those around me.

Written, now released.

LA