No. 4 - Its a heavy one..

Well… with it only being two weeks into January, and there I was hoping for a great week. Rupert was hit with a sickness bug, which inevitably meant I was hit with it too. Three days laid up in bed was not part of my plan at all. However, I did get some much-needed rest, lost six pounds in weight, and still managed to have a very productive conversation with Jake.

So, overall, half the week felt a bit meh, but there were some real highs to come from it too, so the other half was good.

Emotionally, I feel like I was carrying a lot last week. I’ve been thinking about my future and what I want from my life. I remember always saying I never wanted children, it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t naturally maternal, didn’t think I had the empathy or the knowledge to be a parent. Then Rupert came, and everything changed. I realised I could do it. It became my favourite role in the world, and one I knew I wanted for life.

That realisation naturally led me to wanting more children. For the past four years, that’s been something I’ve been certain about.

Jake, on the other hand, decided from the moment Rupert was born that he didn’t want any more children. At first, I thought I could live with that, that a second child wasn’t everything, and that I could sacrifice that for him and for our relationship. But the truth is, in situations like this, someone always ends up compromising, and that shouldn’t be the case with something so big and so life-defining.

The weight of knowing I may not have any more children was becoming heavier and heavier, to the point where I couldn’t hold it in anymore. So I had the conversation with Jake, the one I now know was absolutely necessary. Had I put it off any longer, I think it could have broken me.

I’ve realised that being in a relationship with someone you love just as much, if not more than when you first met seven years ago is incredibly hard when your futures don’t align. I had to look at my life honestly and admit, for the first time, that my happiness has to matter too. Suppressing something this big would only lead to resentment, and that’s something I never want.

Could I be truly happy in a relationship knowing it won’t progress in the way I’ve always hoped it would? I don’t know, and that’s exactly why this conversation was so important.

I think we both listened, really listened, and tried to understand each other as best we could. It ended with Jake admitting he had brushed the subject under the carpet and agreeing to think about it more deeply.

That alone helped. For the first time, I felt able to say how I feel about something so huge, openly and honestly. It’s also allowed me to begin thinking about what my future could look like on either side of whatever decision Jake comes to.

I just hope that in the coming weeks or months, when he’s ready, Jake will come to me and talk openly again. I hope he knows I love him endlessly and respect him no less, no matter what he decides. I would never want him to change his mind because of me. For me, it’s about clarity, knowing, definitively, what he wants. That clarity would give me the space either to grieve the idea of having another child and truly accept what life would look like… or to consider a future that may look very different.

Something I can say here, but not out loud:
am absolutely shitting myself about that next conversation. I know that whatever comes from it will be life-changing for all of us, whether for better or worse.

What I do know is that this conversation has somehow made me love Jake even more. He respected my feelings, didn’t argue them, validated them, and made me feel that no matter what decision is made, we would face it together. For the first time, I also feel like I truly let him show me how he feels, and I accepted that this is something only he can decide. I can’t change his mind, and that has to be okay. I wasn’t putting pressure on him or trying to change his mind, it was just him and his thoughts.

I haven’t pushed. I haven’t let myself hope too much. I’ve accepted it for what it is and given him the time he needs, within reason. If months pass and it’s still avoided, that would feel like the answer in itself, and I don’t think it would be fair to leave something this important hanging any longer.

That’s enough now. I could write forever. Reading this back, I wish I’d written more about the lighter positives of the week—but this, to me, is a positive. It holds sadness and dread, yes, but it also holds honesty and hope.

Written, now released.
LA