No.3 - This weeks feels
So, my first week into January. The first week back to normal everyday life. Rupert is back to nursery, Jakes back at the workshop crafting and I have returned to work. Even though I had mentally told myself, I needed to be more head strong and positive about everything, a part of me did think that it would be a drain going back after the 2 weeks off and getting back into that routine. It was quite the opposite, I have enjoyed getting up, going into work, picking Rupert up and spending some quality time with him.
This week generally has felt light and positive. It feels like the week has been slow, but I think that’s normal after having 2 weeks off from work, especially over the Christmas period. That being said it has been a good week. I have been good with my healthy eating; I have kept on top of my vitamins and finally have started to sleep better at night – BONUS!
Rupert began his new swimming lessons and taekwondo classes and he loved them. It made me feel emotional a little though, as he is just so grown up now. Like how is he going to school this year? How is he big enough to go in the water alone and attend a whole hour class without me at martial arts? It’s scary how fast he is growing up but also such an amazing feeling watching him grow into the lovely young boy that he is.
This was also our first week of no screen time during the week, just movie day on Sunday. He picked Ratatouille (the boy’s got taste). I can already see a difference in his behaviour, and I know this is the right choice for all of us.
Something happened this week that feels like a big moment of growth for me. Instead of bottling things up, I approached a conversation with my mum about something I felt needed to be addressed, and it actually felt good. I didn’t carry it around for days or weeks letting it weigh me down. I said it, and I released it.
That conversation also led to one with Jake, and for once I was able to speak openly and calmly about how I was feeling and what I thought needed improving or working on. That’s something I wouldn’t have done a few months ago. I don’t even think I would’ve managed it a few weeks ago.
What I want from the next week? I want to get into a better morning routine for myself and be a bit more organised. I have been getting up with my alarm which is set for the latest possible time I can get up, which then makes me rush, which leads to stress, which is something I am trying so desperately to change.
A truth from this week: I let myself down yesterday because of my lack of patience and energy. I felt overwhelmed and frustrated and took it out on Rupert, and then on Jake.
Rupert asked for his police costume. I told him where it was and asked him to look for it himself. He kept saying, “I can’t.” At the same time, Jake was upstairs asking where the net was, without having looked. I was trying to finish my monthly door art and I just lost it.
“WHY CAN’T BOYS OR MEN LOOK FOR ANYTHING THEMSELVES?” I shouted, grabbed the police costume, and handed it to Rupert.
Immediately afterwards, I knew I was wrong and apologised to Rupert for my outburst. He said, “It’s okay, Mummy, and I’m sorry I didn’t look.”
In that moment, my heart broke. I’d made him feel like he’d done something wrong, when he was just a four year old wanting help. I never want to make him feel that way again, and that’s something I’ll continue working on, my patience, especially in moments of overwhelm.
I’m looking forward to the week ahead: winter walks with Rupert, trying nice coffee and hopefully liking it, (I like the idea of liking coffee) and making time for quality moments with Jake. I’m hopeful for a good week, maybe even a better one than this.
I know things won’t be perfect overnight. This week has still been a good one, despite a few hiccups. I need to be less hard on myself, and that’s my goal for January.
Written, now released.
LA